Stupidity Counts
by The Clow Hatter
Summary: A mock battle of Kaiba vs. Yami in the semi finals in Battle City. Rating due to slight langugue and a pervy Chaos mage.


Stupidity Counts.  
  
Note: All these characters don't belong to me, cept the author, Toon Dragon Ra, & Chi Chi. Just a stupid short fic of randomness and stupidity that comes from mocking Kaiba's duels. Heh. Enjoy.  
  
-----  
  
He had the "so famed duelist" right where he wanted him.  
  
There was no way Yugi was going to put up against him, especially since he had his own deity card on his side of the arena and clearly got rid of Yugi's. Now Yami was left with one of his magnet warriors and his violet clocked mage to protect him from the onslaught....with only 1500 life points remaining.  
  
Everything had fallen into place and he was finally going to show his adoring fans who were roaring in this battle area that he was the best.  
  
(Or you can probably say Kaiba was really full of himself. Really full of himself.)  
  
Excaliber, the first Blue Eyes, thought the idea of turning the arena into some huge fanbase collusium that was cheering his master was kinda stupid, not to mention their cheers were giving give a nasty headache and if Seto Kaiba did not finished Yami Motou quite soon....  
  
This Blue Eyes White Dragon was willing to eletricute the entire collusium. He did not care if they were praising his master's name....  
  
THEY WERE JUST BLOODY PISSING HIM OFF.  
  
Of course, Dedido, the Lord of Dragons and caretaker of the legendary white dragons, had handed the large white dragon some medical herbs to soothe the dragon's terrible headache. He was calmly petting Excaliber, trying to comfort the dragon. Soon this battle will be over...  
  
With his sapphire eye, Excaliber looked upon the legendary deity. The massive deity had folded his arms as he awaited for Seto's orders. Why, he can easily rid this pathetic tri-colored hair duelist with a single punch. He was looking at this "Yami" and wondered why such a meek shrimp caused his master so much trouble.  
  
Wait on a sec, this "Yami" duelist has the same features as....  
  
No, it could not be. Excaliber, on the other hand, pondered how the hell does Obelisk not get a headache from all of this. And don't give me "cause I'm a fricken God" excuse!!!  
  
Oh look, it is Seto's move. Whoopi. Excaliber just rolled his eyes as his master drew his card.  
  
"...You'll finally pay for humiluating me for all these years," Seto began.  
  
"Don't worry," the Black Magician replied as he folded his arms, "you already did humiluate yourself by wearing that awful white leather jacket to this duel."  
  
"Mahado!!!!" Yami snapped at his Black Magician. Apparently, his favourite card was being a wise ass just like Magician of Black Chaos.  
  
No man, especially a well respected man like Seto, liked being told he dressed bad in public.  
  
"Oh.....THAT DOES IT!!!" Seto yelled, "I PLAY FLUTE OF SUMMONING DRAGON ON MY LORD OF D TO BRING FORTH MY TWO OTHER BLUE EYES DRAGONS ONTO THE FIELD!!!"  
  
Yami just glared coldy at his violet suited spellcastor.  
  
"You stay away from Chaos," Yami said.  
  
Dedido paused his petting as he pulled out the mystical dragon flute and then began to play the flute to call upon the remaining Blue Eyes White Dragons.  
  
Tidus, another Blue Eyes White Dragon jumped onto the arena, spourting his large wings as he gave a proudful roar. Finally he was going get some action as he stood beside Excaliber. The other Blue Eyes that was summoned...  
  
Gave a little squeak. Squeak?  
  
Seto turned around. All the color in his face seemed to left as he saw his third and final dragon he had carried...  
  
Three feet tall and grinning back a Kaiba devilishly. A Blue Eyes TOON Dragon was summoned onto his side of the field, making it the final 5th monster his field could hold.  
  
"I'm back Seyto..." Chi Chi grinned.  
  
"Shit," Seto replied.  
  
-----  
  
Chi Chi was not the only toon in the area.  
  
Within the crowds of Kaiba's fanatics, only two spectators were not applauding Kaiba's name. One of them thought this brawl was quite amusing. Though, despite whoever wins...the retched Pharoah or Kaiba, he will surely deal away with such ease. He had the final and undefetable creature in this game. Nothing can ever destroy it.  
  
The other spectator was that creature. Well, sort of.  
  
It was a mere golden griffin cub, trying its' very best to try to wander into the duel to meet his fellow and only toon friend.  
  
"Chi Chi's there!" the griffin cried, "Chi Chi's there!!!"  
  
The tanned spiked hair blonde managed to grab the little golden coated griffin before it could crawl any futher.  
  
Sure, he could have sealed him away as his did with the other duelists who faced him and his lighter self, but that would mean no uber powerful fierce golden deity to summoned, and his deck pretty much revolved of bringing the legendary winged beast as soon as possible....  
  
"Hush you," he said, "besides if they managed to get rid of each other in this duel, it'll be better for me."  
  
Get rid of each other?  
  
The small golden griffin looked up at his owner with his large innocent teary eyes.  
  
"But..." the griffin cub sniffled, "b-but...that would mean..."  
  
The bird lionlike creature figured out what his master wanted the duelists to do. He wanted the duelists to rid of each other and if both are out, that would mean their creatures will be rid of too.  
  
He had to stop this duel at once! He didn't want Chi Chi to go away too.  
  
With his glistening small golden beck, the small golden griffin pecked harshly at one of his owner's hands, causing the owner to give a sharp anguish cry and quickly let go of the golden griffin cub.  
  
The griffin cub, finally freed from his master's grasp, flew straight towards the duel. His owner turned around as he was nursing his hand. He noticed his powerful deity had left him and entered the duel.  
  
The legendary God of the Sun Dragon, Ra, was considered to be quite powerful. Yet in a tooned form, the deity had his powers limited.  
  
"Damnit Ra!!" he cried out, "GET BACK HERE!!!"  
  
Now the Ishtar knew why Seto Kaiba hated toons.  
  
-----  
  
Speaking of the Magician of Black Chaos....  
  
A blue skinned leather strapped magician entered in one of the room of the medical ward. He heard a pretty cute blonde was in a coma. Well, after hearing about what people do to chicks who were in coma, he should tried this out himself.  
  
He found his lying play thing. With a devious smile, the magician crepted on the sleeping blonde cutie on the medical bet. The room was dark, perfect for the chaotic magician to have his fun. He lowered his head, licking the blonde's cheek.  
  
Say, do people in a coma taste this sweet? The magician was pleased by the taste and wanted to do much more to the sleeping blonde, who seemed to look like a little pup napping.  
  
With one leather gloved hand, he pried open the sleeper's mouth, only to invade it with his own. Chaos seemed to hummed to himself as he invaded the blonde's mouth. He continued the kiss. Oh yes, when this blonde woke up, Chaos was going to make the blonde his own.  
  
Then the lights turned on.  
  
"OH MY GOD!!!" Honda yelled, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO JOUNOUCHI?!!!"  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING TO MY BROTHER?!!" Shizuka cried out.  
  
"....Is that..." Otogi asked, "a Magician of Black Chaos?"  
  
The leather cladded mage quickly improvised, stopping his kiss and placing himself lying next to the teenage boy as he began stroking him on the neck with one finger.  
  
"So that's his name?" Chaos purred, "Such a cute name...isn't it?"  
  
Everyone was just staring at blue skinned mage. Course, no one knew how to handle or deal with to do with a highly powerful spellcaster that appeared in the duels.  
  
Course Yugi and his other self would, but they're busy at the moment.  
  
What the chaotic mage did not noticed was a fist heading directly towards his face. He fell off the bed, blindly smacking onto the cold steel floor.  
  
Jounouchi had managed to wake up. He was seated upwards on the matress, rubbing his head.  
  
"Geez," Jounouchi began, "can someone get any rest without any interruptions?"  
  
"...You mean you were actually sleeping all this time?" Anzu replied.  
  
"Well, yeah. Even had this great dream too. Then this bondage mage comes along and stops my air supply. I really think Yugi should have a talk to his black magic spellcastors."  
  
"....I taste aluminum!!!" Chaos muttered to himself.  
  
-----  
  
Seto hated this.  
  
He hated the fact he wasted his turn to summon forth that annoying TOON Dragon onto the field as well.  
  
"But why do have to defeat Yugi?" Chi Chi asked as he looked up at Seto.  
  
He also hated the fact that this TOON Dragon will not obey him like his other dragons will. He placed his hand onto his face, ignoring the three foot tall dragon tugging at his jacket.  
  
Oh yes, this was going be one lovely semi-final duel. Now all he needed Pegasus to constantly tease him with "Kaiba-boy" and Seto was back reliving his hellish nightmare once again.  
  
"Since you can't summon any more monsters on your field and you already used up your turn," Yami began, "I guess it's my move."  
  
The tri-colered duelist pulled out another card from his deck as Tidus looked down at his master.  
  
"So does this mean we're gonna get an ass kicking from him again?" Tidus asked.  
  
"Shut up," Seto muttered.  
  
"I active my magic card, Emblem of the Dragon Destroyer!" Yami cried, "Summoning forth the Buster Blader into my hands!"  
  
"What's a Busted Bladder?" Chi Chi replied as he still looked up at Seto.  
  
Seto just smacked himself. Oh yes, this duel was absolutely perfect!  
  
"I then play Mind Control!" Yami continued.  
  
"But my God and my dragons can't be affected by your stupid mind control cause of my Lord of D," Seto replied.  
  
"Your Lord of D can still be affected by my mind control since it's not a dragon or a deity."  
  
"FUCK."  
  
"I then sacrifice the Lord of D and my Magnet Warrior Beta to bring forth Buster Blader onto the field!!"  
  
The two Blue Eyes White Dragons started to wince as the legendary black armored dragon slayer appeared onto the field, standing right beside the violet suited magician. The three foot tall dragon, on the other hand, just look towards the black armored knight.  
  
"That's a real big swordie..." Chi Chi began.  
  
"But that's not all!" Yami replied, "I now activate activate polymerization, fusing both of my monsters to bring forth the Black Paladin!"  
  
A black whirl then swallow the mage and the warrior, combining the two opposing monsters into something quite dark. Golden eyes were glowing as the mist died out, revealing a dark green armor cladded paladin standing in front of the dragons and the deity.  
  
What the dragons did not know that thanks to them and the dead dragon deity in Yami's graveyard, this powerful spellcaster was now strong enough to take out anything off of the field. And the equipped spellbook that was placed onto the violet mage, made him quite stronger.  
  
So instead of being at normal ATK 2900, he was now at ATK 5400.  
  
He wielded his trident tipped staff and unleashed a devisting spell onto the deity. With one single hit, the all so might deity that brought down another powerful deity was instantly crumbling to dust by the hands of an armor plated mage.  
  
Thanks to the palidan's attack, Seto's life points dropped to 600 points remaining. The three white dragons were speechless.  
  
"Wait on a sec..." Seto began, "can he do that?!"  
  
A a brown haired lady who wore dorky glasses had folded her arm as she sat herself somewhere else in the collusium.  
  
"Yes," the author replied, "despite the many usage of magic cards, he can do that since he never used a soul exchange card...so his fused monster can attack freely. Now excuse me, I have a fic to finish."  
  
"Yeah, well..." Seto said, "you're doing a fine lazy ass job of making this 'supposed' destined duel into some ridicilously pointless fan fic!!!"  
  
"Thanks...I think."  
  
"Dis is no good," Chi Chi began, "no good at all."  
  
"You can't win, Kaiba" Yami replied as he looked towards Seto.  
  
"FUCK THIS!!!" Seto cried out as he grabbed his three foot tall cartoony like legendary white dragon and flung him towards Yami.  
  
Chi Chi gave a startling he he felt himself ricohetting towards the tri-colored hair teen, and you probably think that all the messed up duels that Yami had to face, you think he'll be prepared when a flying toon dragon was heading towards him like a direct bullet would.  
  
Instead, the dragon slammed into Yami and both fell down, completely knocking each other out.  
  
The Black Paladin then lowered his head, staring down at his fallen master.  
  
"I am no so not helping him back up his feet," Black Paladin said.  
  
The small golden griffen cub finally fluttered into the dueling area, but he was too late. Not only had the dragon duelist sucessfully defeated the other sucessful magician using duelist, but his only friend was defeated too.  
  
"Chi Chi...hurt..." Toon Dragon Ra began, "....Chi Chi...hurt...."  
  
The small golden coated griffen cub was sitting in the middle of the area, creating a flame embbed aura around itself. The cub began to rapidly grow...quickly turning himself into a full golden plated griffen with a firey aura around it. His eyes glisten red, wanting the blood of those who has hurt his best little friend.  
  
A deafing roar emerged from the legendary griffen deity as his owner finally caught up with the large lion bird creature. It looked towards Seto and it's owner...  
  
And it was very pissed off.  
  
"Shit," he said.  
  
-----  
  
The medical facilities were the best well paid Kaiba had to offer in Alcatraz. Those who had failed to defeat the one wielding the legendary deity were finally awoken from the slumber, thanks to an aide of two spellcastors who wielded the dark arts. A small griffen cub was fast asleep on his master's lap as his master was petting the cub and sitting on the side of the bed.  
  
He looked up at everyone.  
  
"So...." Malik began, "what happened again?"  
  
"The black spellcastors helped revive you, Mai, Ryou, and did some special healing on Jou..." Mokuba began.  
  
"THAT WASN'T ANY HEALING I'VE HEARD OF OR SEEN!!" Jounouchi cried, "I SWEAR! YUGI'S FRICKEN CHAOS MAGE IS A PERVERT!!!!"  
  
"Okay," Malik replied, "that explains that, but..."  
  
The tanned blonde then turned around, facing and looking towards another bed, where its' patient was entirely wrapped up in bandages, almost looking like it was mummified.  
  
"So...what happen to Kaiba?" Malik asked.  
  
"I think your god card doesn't like Kaiba that much," Anzu replied.  
  
The griffen cub could only reply with a yawn as he continued his nap.  
  
-END- 


End file.
